• daz_meh


It's 7:57am .. Jan 1, 2011 and while I am feeling rather calm and relaxed I'm sure most of you are still sleeping.. perhaps with your makeup still on haha.

I never did like New Years. Ever since I can remember; even when I was a little kid and I never understood why. Countless years during my childhood the fam would end up partying at some aunt or uncles place; music blasting people dancing. Then it happened. Everyone staring at their watches 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1..HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRR!

My mom would give me a big hug and I'd watch everyone with their soundmakers hugging and kissing one another and I just sat there on the step with such a deep feeling of depression and sadness and no reason for it. Like the gutwrenching kind of heartache one gets that makes them unable to sit still its so uncomfortable.

This would continue, every year even til last night.

"So what you doing for New Years?" people would ask me and I'd always respond the same, "Eh, I'm not much of a New Years person" and then sit and think about that after. WHY? Why do I feel like that? It's not even like it happens right at midnight, it starts about 7pm up until then. This immense, uncomfortable feeling of just.. HEARTACHE and DEPRESSION.

I thought to myself.. What is this? Some past life memory? I don't have any reason to feel this way.. No one's done me wrong on New Years, so why do I get like this?

It wasn't til last night when the feeling began again at 7pm .. the sinking, gut wrenching feeling inside me.. like my insides were being mixed up and folded over.. the kind of feeling that makes me want to curl up tight into a ball to make the turning inside me stop. It hit me.

You are alone. You're always alone. THAT'S why you feel so depressed every New Years... because you're ALWAYS alone and you never feel as lonely as you do on new years.

One might say Kay, what are you talking about?! you have friends and family and a daughter that love you, you are never alone on New Years. Yes I know.. but .. I am. I am. I am.

Always watching everyone else have someone and sitting on that step alone I guess for every year of my life. And even when I did have someone.. I STILL felt so very ALONE. My significant other would drag me out to some party or whatever.. and that gawdawful countdown would start and my guts would start churning inside me.. HAPPY NEW YEAR! My S.O would say and hug me.. I'd make a painful looking smile, because that's what I was.. in pain.. and mutter a happy new year.. but inside.. just LONELY.

Most new years, I just lie there with my loneliness and sadness and hope through my tears that I'd be exhausted enough to pass out before midnight hits.

I did the same last night.

I still don't know WHY I feel so very alone. I dont really have any reason to feel that way. But I do. I 'm glad I came to that realization last night.. because it helped me to understand a bit of my complicated puzzle. Now I just need to figure out WHY. What is it connected to?

In any event.. 2011 has begun.. and I know it will bring big things for me. 2010 brought much change. The most change I've ever had in my life. Change for the best and I'm thankful for that.

Kaysuns mini man rant of the day...

Well hello my good people..

I thought I'd take a break from the bruk-toery to rant a tad about men. I do this a lot.. just not on my music blog. But I figure, hey, I've shown you my toe at its worst! We're practically family! So without further adeu.. here we go.

Ok.. I understand that men don't often get a kind word or gesture from a lady when you approach one. Usually it goes something like this.

MAN: *smiles* well HULLLOOO THERE.. *wink* What's your name beautiful? *holds girls hand*
LADY: *rips hand away* F*ck off as*hole!

Now.. I am not your typical girl. Mind you, the above mentioned situation I would react in the same way. However, I am not an as*hole and if you say hello to me whilst I'm walking I will return the sentiment. This goes the same way online. If you say hello to me and approach me in a respectful manner, I will return the sentiment most of the time. NOW.. Just because I do so it does not mean I am interested romantically in you and it most certainly does not mean I want to date you.

Now, in my existence on this planet thus far, I've encountered quite a few men who just because they were attracted to me and acted in a friendly or respectful manner to me, I am nice in return. Hey, I'm a nice person. But here's where it all goes awry. See.. THEY think that because they are attracted to me.. that I must OBVIOUSLY be attracted to them. And when I have to get rude or just straight shut them down, they either get pissed off, or say "Well I would like to think I'm attractive enough that you'd like me" or "I think I'm a good man and a nice person enough that you'd like me"..

Please understand, I can only somewhat put myself in a man's shoes to try and understand why he may act this way. What I have gathered as I mentioned in the opening of my rant.. is that men get shut down so often from women trying NOT to blur any lines and make it quite clear that there is no chance in hell they're going to have a romantic relationship, that I gather because a woman is nice enough to acknowledge their presence, they're so overjoyed that they assume she must be romantically interested in them or she wouldnt acknowledge them.

WRONG. I am a nice person, I'm cool with you if you're cool with me and show me the respect I deserve... BUT.. it doesnt mean I'm diggin you.


so please my friends.. do not assume ANY woman is diggin you unless she specifically states so or you're setting yourself up for a mean shutdown.

What "they" say about women is true.. A woman knows within the first 5 minutes of meeting you if she's romantically interested in you or not, and unfortunately my friends, there is nothing you can do to change that. There is no amount of time you can put in, hoping she'll change her mind. Cuz she won't.. and you'll be the "nice guy that finishes last" or in "friend territory" the 2 places you men hate the most.

So..Do yourselves a favour.. Do not assume anything. Introduce yourself, make nice conversation, be a gentleman. ASK FOR HER NUMBER or somethin to seal the deal. If she declines, she's not interested and she was just being a nice person. That's all you can do right? be nice, put your intentions respectfully out there and see what happens. If she's not interested, she's not interested. Don't torture yourself, just move on.. there are "plenty of fish" in the sea.


p.s. toe's getting better.. day by day. STILL cant wear close toe shoes.. but one day.. OHHH one day I will. And it.. will.. be... glorious!!!!!

the RE-bruktoed diaries ...

Cas I bonder ber u arrrr ahnd I bonder Bhaaaat yuh dooo..
Arrr u somewhere, peeling loneleee or ees someone lubbing yuuuhhh?
Tell me how to ween your heart, cas I habbent ghaaaattt a cluuueee..
Ahnd I bant to tell yu So machhh...
Mahal Kitahhhhhh!

*boisterous laughter*

Big spin annnnnd BANG.

right against the couch. Same toe. *Krick* I hear.

Greeeeaaattt. I said...

Figures. The saying "break a leg" before a great performance must have some merit. Oh yes.. my best filipino impression of Lionel Richie's "Hello" EVER. Great performance? Cant top it. of COURSE you know.. I'd have to RE FRACTURE my toe in the process. Wouldn't be a great performance without it.


So.. looks like we re-convene the Bruktoe diaries but now.. it's the RE-Bruktoe diaries.


Just when I was back into heels for outtings for short periods, no long walking.. NOW its back to the flip flops and buddy taping.

Til next time, yours truly..

Bruktoe Remix

bruktoe diaries: day 293848765


I absolutely LOATHE that I cannot wear you right now. I want to feel my calf muscles flexing as I stand up when I put you on. I want to admire your hot sexiness in the mirror while I sport a little black dress. LE SIGHHH..

One day my pretties.. one day hopefully soon I can wear you again.

Instead... I have to wear THESE

.....womp womp womp BOOOOORRRIINNNGGGGG.

Alas, I brought this all on myself by not wearing the appropriate foot attire to workout on a treadclimber. .. backwards..

All this agony I've experienced since breaking my toe, the crutches, the being cooped up in the house bored out of my skull, the martini glass baths and worst of all, being unable to wear my beloved heels.. it's ALL. MY . FAULT.

I accept that, and I'll NEVER. DO . THAT. AGAIN.

From now on, it's runners runners runners to workout .. unless I'm doin yoga or pilates.

Speaking of exercise, I've been able to get back into a little something, pilates mainly. I was finally able to do a VERY CAREFUL plank the other day. and I do a little boxing as well. no jumping around for me just yet.

Thank goodness for my cleanses I'm doing right now or I might be a big fat cow without being able to exercise lol.

Every day I scrunch my toes to get them pliable again.

As you can see they dont quite bend like the other foot but every day gets a bit better. I couldnt bend them at all before so.. this is a big improvement. my toe is still a bit swollen, but also improves day by day. soon I'll be back to normal and into my beloved heels.

i hope..


really soon.

until next time ..

cricktoe Cassie out.

Bruktoe Diaries: THE CAR.

Just when you thought you couldn't get enough bruktoe diaries, I bring you ANOTHER entry.. in the SAME DAY. Woah.

Lets rewind to April 29th, 2010.

I had been eyeing the Nissan Cube for over a year. Saving for it, in fact. The powers that be told me to go the the Nissan dealership April 29th and only that day to go see about getting me a Cube. I made the appointment with my dad's friend, the manager of the dealership and put on something cute (as cute as a cripple can look anyway) and hobbled into the dealership on crutches.

Now.. the dealership has a GREAAAAAT set of stairs (/ sarcasm) that I had to try and get up on my crutches..

But anyway.. the manager had stepped out and I ended up having to see someone else. He was a younger guy, I could tell he was closer to my age.

What was it about April 29th? Why that day? I can only guess it's because I would end up having to deal with this younger guy to get a good deal on my car? So picture me.. crippled, but cute (as cute as a cripple can look anyway) trying to razzle and dazzle this young buck of a salesman .. ON CRUTCHES. (oh lawd)

I have no idea if it was because of my razzle dazzle or because my dad is buddies with the manager that I got a good deal on the car AND FREE DINNER, but I'll just pretend it was ALLL ME. (haha)

I got called a "Fire Fox" that day. That's a first. Lets see.. What is a fire fox? According to Webopaedia:

..Firefox is a free, open source Web browser for Windows, Linux and Mac OS X. It is based on the Mozilla code base and offers customization options and features such as its capability to block pop-up windows, tabbed browsing, privacy and security measures, smart searching, and RSS live bookmarks.

I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not, but I'll take it!

Anyway, I finally got it! IT'S MINNNEEEEE!

I got it in STICK, which I've always wanted.. but couldnt really drive cuz of the bruktoeness. But it's been a week now since I got it and I can finally drive it now and I LOVES IT! I got 16" gun metal alloy rims, back spoiler and hood moulding on it.

It's a fun drive at night because when you open the door, it's a LIGHT SHOW EXTRAVAGANZA! (i kid) The kick plates are illuminated with the word "cube" (the plate you step into the car on. I took these pics at night, without the flash so you all can see. I dunno, It's pretty gangsta *shrugs*

The lights under the dash and in the cup holders light up also, whatEVER colour I FEEL LIKE! Today, it's HOT PINK. WHY???? Because.. I'm a FIRE FOX. (lol)

Now, peeps who know me know I am an extremely NOVICE standard driver. So the first night, me and my bruktoe try and back this ish out the driveway. I live on a HILL AND my driveway is a .. you guessed it.. HILL. I stalled all the way up the driveway.. and when I finally made it out onto the road, which is a hill. I stalled.. and i COULDNT MOVE! I WAS.. MORTIFIED. And of course. theres some dumb bitch behind me honking to move even though I've got my hazard lights on. Go AROUND me bitch.. AROUND. but now.. I've got my bro on bluetooth and I'm screaming "I'M STUCCCKKKK! I'M STUCCKKKKK!" "Where's dad?!?!" bro exclaimed. I look to the house, and there is my dad. standing in the frikkin window, arms crossed... observing. WHHHATTTT THEEEE FUCCCCKKKK!?!?!?! Eventually I rev the engine enough to go SCREAMING down the street, but at least I'm not on a hill anymore. I get a voicemail from my dad that I never checked until I was hyperventilating into a paper bag back in my room after the whole ordeal(i kid) that says "Kay, just come inside and we'll try tomorrow" YESSSS just go ahead and call me from behind your comfy window while I am convulsing and screaming out in the middle of a hill on the road instead of coming out and helping me. THAT is a GREAT idea. (:oS)

But anyway, I've had some time to practice now, and I'm a much better driver. It's almost second nature going through the gears EXCEPT for 1st on a hill.. but I haven't stalled in a while, so that's good. Once my toe is 100% I can really drive this baby in some platform stilettos, with my party lights inside. HAAAAAAY! *snaps*

Another adventure from yours truly,

shuffleboard sassafrass.

bruktoe diaries day 9823548723489

well hello my lovelies

Now that my laptop is back and running I can finally get back to my blogging about this dyam bruktoe business.

Its been 6 weeks since I broke my toe and it pretty much looks like it belongs to my foot again

Which is a FAR cry from THIS if you all remember:

I'm also finally able to wear an ACTUAL PAIR of shoes which is pretty damn exciting. Alas, still not able to wear heels but hey.. 2 shoes is progress!

At night I havent been keeping my toe wrapped up for the last few nights, and I find it doesnt bother me to walk around the house without it either. so today I've been doing that. BUT when it's time to put on shoes I tape up the toe to the next one and bind my foot. Can't be too careful!

I ditched the crutches a little over a week ago I think it's been now.. and I've been hobbling around without them. Thank goodness I was doing leg and foot exercises before I ditched the crutches. The journey to being able to have the strength to walk again would've been tough. Up until I ditched the crutches my whole leg and foot felt cold because I wasnt using them.

My hobbling is much less apparent now, although I do resemble a little old chinese lady crossing the street.. little shuffling steps all slow like.. you all know what I'm talking about haha! But I'll get my swagger back! You'll see!

I must say, being a cripple has been quite interesting. The amount of men that have hit on me while on crutches was RIDICULOUS! I can't quite understand men and their need to be a woman's heroic knight in shining armour. PUHLEASSSSSSE. I can say right now, I dont and didnt feel very sexy hobbling around in flats on crutches unable to do a THING for myself. UN-Fit, UN-Sassy. terrible terrible. And it's always when I feel I look my worst, that men approach me. Apparently I've got it all wrong. Making the effort to look good when I step out isn't going to get me a man, breaking my toe is LOL.

I did get a decent amount of piggy backs though, instead of having to take the stairs (from my guy friends of course, not random strangers)

Tonight Teedra Moses is at the Docks. I'm SOOOOOO hating that I'm not there because I LOVE her. I explained to a friend upon him asking why I'm not going.. that 1. I can't rock heels (If you know me, you know I dont step out without em) and 2. I dont need some drunken idiot stepping on my toe and mashing up mi sinting ALL over again. NO THANK YOU.

And so .. I wait.. I wait to be able to hit the town again... AND IT WILL BE EPIC

Bruktoe Diaries: Day 230386587129874366

Man..this month is NOT my month. I break my toe, I encounter some man problems (what else is new .. men are from mars, women are from venus) I have a huge episode with psycho mom , and to top it off, a very big scare to do with my femaledom!

.... and my precious laptop is broken and I have resorted to writing this long coming entry on my cell phone.

I think the universe has smacked me in the face to be more responsible for my actions. Every action has a reaction or a consequence.

I hear you Universe. LOUD and clear. SEE BROKEN TOE.

Oh, and I just got a call from the peeps who are lookin at my laptop, it's busted. Gotta buy a new one.


This, my friends is why the bruktoe diaries has been on hiatus. As a result, the quality of my bruktoe diaries for now are going to be less than stellar. Weeeeee...

Bruktoe Diaries: Day 5

Well hello my devoted followers, and welcome back to another day of bruk toeness. *applause*

A huge argument took place last night between my dad and I about me not feeling up to coming in to work. I was absolutely spent last night and didnt know if I'd have the strength to make it through a whole 8 hours not being able to elevate my feet and hobbling up and down the office, lifting things, bending to get things etc... He basically told me my job is at stake if I don't show my face at work. How inhumane of the company I work for to force me to come into work or they'll fire me. WHAT THE FLYING FRUCK?!?!

And so.. our heroine wakes up at the crack of dawn and braves the elements, 3 flights of stairs and unmatched footwear to go .. to .. work..

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you" Dad says. "If I fall and break something else, it's your fault" I grumble. "Fair enough" he says.

At work I cant do much else other than sit at my desk and stare at the same shit all day.

The promise my dad made to take care of me went null and void and it was now the receptionist's duty to take care of me. Poor lady, getting me tea, water, photocopying, scanning, bringing binders to and from my desk, getting piles of stuff off the printer for me, mailing things.. I owe her a nice lunch when this is all said and done. By the time I am on my way back from the washroom for the 3rd time, I'm moving much slower. phew! tired.. sore.. foot.. swollen.. Even putting my feet up on my hardrive on the floor isn't making a difference at this point. I'm SO ready to leave and get back into the usual position at home, in my bed, foot elevated. I'm a very independent person and hate that I can't do stuff for myself.. sigh.. such is the life of a cripple.

And I .. AM.. officially... a cripple, as shown HERE

Heh, a perk! I'm no longer one of THOSE people that "park in handicap spaces, while handicap people make handicap faces" noooo! I'm actually part of the handicap club!


I wonder if I can score 10 cent coffee like the senior citizens do now?

And so closes another obstacle defeated, by yours truly,

~ Hop Along Hottie

I leave you with the man who wrote the line "I park in handicap spaces, while handicap people make handicap faces" Dennis Leary - "I'm an Asshole" Enjoy.

Bruktoe Diaries: Day 4

I gotta say.. this broken toe business is harder than I thought it would be to cope with. My whole body aches because I'm hopping around on one foot and having to lift my body weight using crutches 24/7. It's a whole other use of my muscles that my body is not accustomed to and now it's sore. Guess it will take time to adjust.

Anyhoo, this morning my baby niece called to invite me to dim sum. I thought ahh perfect opportunity for me to try and get around outside as a cripple. Good idea right? WRONG.

Today is not wash hair day, so it's another martini glass bath for me. :oP I tried to get dressed in something cute. Took me forEVAR. 1 cute boot, 1 wooly sock. woah boy..

I hobbled my way down the hallway. and approached the stairs

Ah we meet again dreaded foe..

I brace myself and my crutches and put them down on the first step. 1 down. ok.. next? I lose my balance and BAM! ON MY ASS. ON THE STAIRS. thank GOD i didnt fall forward or else that would've been a whole other trip to the hospital for something else broken. my crutches go flying down the stairs and my mom and daughter scream.

I pull myself together and just scootch on my bum down the rest of the stairs. trying to get back up to use the crutches to go outside was tough. my legs really are very sore.

I try to go down the outdoor steps and manage to make it. A little wobbly, but I make it regardless.

Mom insists I drive. I gotta get used to getting around the city.

Again, exiting the car I try to get to the restaurant. Had to stop a couple times, so sore.. but I made it.

Dim Sum was nice. good to see fam. Worried I would trip in the hole in the floor that I know is there and they cover with carpet. dang hole, I never know exactly where it is, and have tripped in there several times.

Same story, on the way back to the car. had to stop a couple times. by now I'm exhausted. So you can imagine by the time I get home and have to go up 3 flights of stairs it's damn near impossible. I make it up the first 2 flights.. but the 3rd time, as they say is a charm. Weakness and fatigue caused me to not have the best balance and I went down again. ON THE STAIRS, crutches flying down to the bottom. Mom and daughter scream .. AGAIN. "Just.. go up the rest of the steps on your bum!" mom says.


I definitely jumped the gun in trying to get out there in the real world again. That was not a good idea.

Spent the rest of the day working on Chemistry. oh joy.

Played piano with my baby niece. all the disney favourites :oP

And helped my cousin naturally remove 4 moles from her face using an herb called Bloodroot.

Great stuff. Non invasive, no scalpel or freezing. All natural and the the body actually pushes the mole out. It's magical. I love that stuff.

Beat. Tired. Pooped.

Finally, time to put my feet up in bed. I notice if I dont, my foot swells up and starts throbbing again.

The family drama going on because of this broken toe is ridiculous, but that's for me to know and not to share as much as I love you familia. I can tell you, that I've been volunteered to work again, this time, not from home. If I fall and break something else, or can't even make it up the stairs to get home or even to the car.. It's on my dad. alllll his fault. :o( Grrrr....

til next entry..

peace and light


Hop Along Tired girl.