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daz_meh in kaysun_music


It's 7:57am .. Jan 1, 2011 and while I am feeling rather calm and relaxed I'm sure most of you are still sleeping.. perhaps with your makeup still on haha.

I never did like New Years. Ever since I can remember; even when I was a little kid and I never understood why. Countless years during my childhood the fam would end up partying at some aunt or uncles place; music blasting people dancing. Then it happened. Everyone staring at their watches 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1..HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRR!

My mom would give me a big hug and I'd watch everyone with their soundmakers hugging and kissing one another and I just sat there on the step with such a deep feeling of depression and sadness and no reason for it. Like the gutwrenching kind of heartache one gets that makes them unable to sit still its so uncomfortable.

This would continue, every year even til last night.

"So what you doing for New Years?" people would ask me and I'd always respond the same, "Eh, I'm not much of a New Years person" and then sit and think about that after. WHY? Why do I feel like that? It's not even like it happens right at midnight, it starts about 7pm up until then. This immense, uncomfortable feeling of just.. HEARTACHE and DEPRESSION.

I thought to myself.. What is this? Some past life memory? I don't have any reason to feel this way.. No one's done me wrong on New Years, so why do I get like this?

It wasn't til last night when the feeling began again at 7pm .. the sinking, gut wrenching feeling inside me.. like my insides were being mixed up and folded over.. the kind of feeling that makes me want to curl up tight into a ball to make the turning inside me stop. It hit me.

You are alone. You're always alone. THAT'S why you feel so depressed every New Years... because you're ALWAYS alone and you never feel as lonely as you do on new years.

One might say Kay, what are you talking about?! you have friends and family and a daughter that love you, you are never alone on New Years. Yes I know.. but .. I am. I am. I am.

Always watching everyone else have someone and sitting on that step alone I guess for every year of my life. And even when I did have someone.. I STILL felt so very ALONE. My significant other would drag me out to some party or whatever.. and that gawdawful countdown would start and my guts would start churning inside me.. HAPPY NEW YEAR! My S.O would say and hug me.. I'd make a painful looking smile, because that's what I was.. in pain.. and mutter a happy new year.. but inside.. just LONELY.

Most new years, I just lie there with my loneliness and sadness and hope through my tears that I'd be exhausted enough to pass out before midnight hits.

I did the same last night.

I still don't know WHY I feel so very alone. I dont really have any reason to feel that way. But I do. I 'm glad I came to that realization last night.. because it helped me to understand a bit of my complicated puzzle. Now I just need to figure out WHY. What is it connected to?

In any event.. 2011 has begun.. and I know it will bring big things for me. 2010 brought much change. The most change I've ever had in my life. Change for the best and I'm thankful for that.